Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
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I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.