Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
You Might Also Like
Love this one 😂🧟
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead