Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
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i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.