What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
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I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Breaking news:
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*