Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
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Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
dream blunt rotation
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
According to math, I’m broke
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.