If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
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I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”