*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
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So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I have written yet another poem about laundry
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.