“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Care for your back
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.