when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
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Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
the saddest jazz hands ever
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌