I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
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The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.