kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
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Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Note to self: I am a note
Weighing up my bread heating options
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I wanna be friends with this person
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.