4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
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confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Me too 😆
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Autocorrect completely socks
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that