my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
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One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He鈥檚 going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don鈥檛 know what it鈥檚 for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that鈥檚 just chemicals, don鈥檛 worry about it.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we鈥檙e in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
cop: if i were you i wouldn鈥檛 leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we鈥檒l be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 馃槈
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
A bold strategy
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?