Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
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imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.