This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.