I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
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When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems