I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
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If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
my professor scared me for a second
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.