*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
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Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Ghost costume 😂
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.