Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
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Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
#Caturday
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I’m crying im so happy for them
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage