If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
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TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures