“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
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Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
And now we wait
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.