Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
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The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale