I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
You Might Also Like
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too