the last thing a carrot sees
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I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️