Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
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Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
It be like that sometimes 😆
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread