Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
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The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?