Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
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ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did