Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
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Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
こいつ天才
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.