Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
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still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
nature’s most graceful animal
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.