Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
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Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.