My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
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“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.