Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
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ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”