I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
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me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
socratic questions
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.