Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
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[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it鈥檚 mine鈥t came with the suit.
I鈥檓 not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I鈥檝e been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn鈥檛 afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I鈥檓 sweating just looking at him.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I don鈥檛 get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I can鈥檛 stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I thought $3 eggs 馃 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”