I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
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FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?