Ah yes. The three genders
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Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I drew y’all a little something.
calling in to work dehydrated
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
She was REALLY feeling it.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”