Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
You Might Also Like
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!