2022: I can fix it
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My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies