My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
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Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed