“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
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“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad