Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
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I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks