We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
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Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not