I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
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PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
boat question
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.