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We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
inventing words: clothing
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares