ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
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Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Merica.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper