Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
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“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
opening twitter today
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks