*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
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If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity