When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
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“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
“our sushi is very fresh”
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?