One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
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[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone