“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
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I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
how high up are we talkin’?
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours